fireflies

It was in moments like this that she missed him. In the quiet times, when she sat alone, were the times when she wished the most that he was only a phone call away. She didn't miss the cold stare of his disengaged eyes, or the swelling insecurity that seemed to strangle her in those last days; but she missed the tone of his voice over the tiny speaker when they were apart, his hand over hers when they were together.
What lingered even more, however, was the hurt and resentment which settled over her memories like a fine layer of dust. She could no longer even be certain of those fleeting, happy moments; she couldn't be sure how far is his lies had infiltrated into his actions, words, kisses.

Everything seemed like a lie now, and she missed when he was everything. She missed when he was anything...

status: I don't think I've ever hated anyone like I hate you now

"Counting down all the hours I've spent here

Drowning in all of your lies dear

I wish I could have been warned"

-The Scene Aesthetic, "The Alamo Is No Place For Dancing"

when I start to think too much, the words flow to the page

I’ve got a bow in my hair, a smile on my face, a hole in my heart
A cell phone that won’t ring, a tank full of gas
And no reason to go to you

All is not fair in love and war
Whoever said otherwise was never in love at all
And clearly never met you

We held each other through the coldest winter months
But with the warming weather of the changing season
Perhaps you realized that your love had changed too

And I’m trying to convince myself that I deserve better than this
But I can’t help but feel that I’ve missed my chance
Strange how you finally make sense

I always thought your charm and looks were wasted on me
Turns out they’re only wasted when you’re stupid enough to fall for it
And I fell to the floor with eyes wide open

You were something more than a drunken indiscretion
And I think from now on, I’ll take my kisses with a shot
Of something bitter that won’t allow me to count on anything

Because I can’t take, won’t take, that disengaged look in your eyes
And I won’t take the days of silence
So you can take back all the things that ever fell into my hands

All the little things I called perfections that led me to you
Now feel like a row of tiny mistakes, like ill-fated dominos
That continued through three months of me looking the other way

I can still remember the feel of your skin on my skin
Lips on my shoulder, hands on your chest
The hushed darkness of the passenger seat

And cigarette smoke may always smell a little like passion
And remind me of the taste on your teeth
I can’t even look at those little blue boxes, but I never smoke Camels anyway

And I hope you’re happy that I made this easy for you
And I hope that new girl is easier than I was
And I hope that this time around, you’re the one who gets hurt

So go ahead and wear those stupid hats of yours
And stretch out your earlobes and get another ugly tattoo
If that’s what your new girlfriend likes

Because at some point I will stop checking my phone for your call
And listening for the rumble of your Mustang on my street
At some point I will stop missing your broad shoulders and perfect mouth

It may feel like you’ve ripped my lungs from my chest
But these are wounds that will heal
Because I never gave you that kind of control over me.

***
my photography and writing. If you want to see more of my photos, there's a link to my flickr under "these are a few of my favorite things" ---->

the week in review: cupcakes and heartbreak

sorry for the absence in posting, but I have had one of the worst weeks. After returning from my ten day family vacation, I returned to find that my boyfriend of almost three months was no longer quite as enamored with me as when I left.

I had traveled 13 hours on Saturday to get from North Carolina back to California, where I was having a kick-back at my house (since my parents would not return until 2 days later). My boyfriend could not even pretend to be happy to see me, showing up late with the most disengaged look in his eyes; thus, I proceeded to drink more cranberry vodkas than was probably needed. The next day he was brusque on the phone and did not come over, though he said he would. He did not call me the following day, the first time since we had met. I called and texted him, and he would not respond. So, on the following Saturday, I drove the half-hour to his house and dropped off his things that I had acquired: a ring, 3 DVDs, a shirt, and a jacket that he had purchased for me, with my nickname written on it. So, without ever speaking about it, we had broken up.

The only thing to have come out of this whole week was that my sweet and supportive cousin made cupcakes with me :) I took some photos, but blogger has been stupid and is not letting me post them; when I regain those capabilities, I plan on posting those, as well as some photos from my vacation.

I hope everyone had a better week than I did, and that a better week is in store for all of us.